"No Kings!" Protest Accidentally Proves U.S. Has No King — Founders laugh on the Sidelines

By Benjamin Snark, Staff Satirist

In a twist that left historians chuckling and the Constitution giving a smug side-eye, a group of protesters recently took to the streets chanting “NO KINGS!”—seemingly unaware that the U.S. hasn’t had a king since 1776 and, thanks to that dusty old document they never read, we legally can’t have one.

In an event so ironic it could be taught in future Civics textbooks under the chapter “You Can’t Make This Stuff Up,” protesters across the country recently declared “NO KINGS!”—completely unaware that today, June 14th, is actually the perfect day to celebrate that exact concept.

Why? Because today marks the 250th Anniversary of the United States Army, the very institution formed to fight back against King George and ensure America would never be ruled by a monarch again. Yes, the very people shouting “NO KINGS” are—unknowingly—joining the spirit of General George Washington and the ragtag patriots who quite literally agreed with them... two and a half centuries ago.

And as if the Founding Fathers were trolling from beyond the grave, today is also Flag Day—the day we honor the Stars and Stripes, the flag of a Constitutional Republic that has never crowned a king, prince, or royal corgi. Add to that the fact that it’s also President Donald Trump’s birthday, and you’ve got a perfect recipe for viral protest confusion.

“This day is fascist!” said one protester angrily waving a “No Kings!” sign outside the White House. When asked what Flag Day was, they replied, “Something made up to sell fireworks, probably.”

But the best part? The “No Kings” protest was planned specifically for June 14th—to make a statement. And they did! Just... not the one they intended.

By rallying against monarchy on the exact day America celebrates fighting monarchy, they inadvertently became the most Constitution-loving, red-white-and-blue-bleeding patriots of the year. Congratulations, you played yourselves.

Let’s break it down for the “Civics-Later” crowd:

June 14, 1775 – Congress establishes the U.S. Army to fight against tyranny and monarchy

June 14, 1777 – Congress adopts the American flag, symbol of a nation of laws, not kings.

June 14, 1946 – Donald J. Trump is born. (Insert media-induced hysteria here.)

June 14, 2025 – Protesters yell “No Kings!” proving that 250 years later... the system still works.

One constitutional scholar was overheard saying, “This is like someone screaming ‘Down with gravity!’ while standing on solid ground. The irony is breathtaking.”

Meanwhile, the Constitution sat quietly, tucked inside backpacks, pockets, and 8th-grade classrooms across America, whispering: “You're welcome.”

And thanks to nonprofits like The 917 Society, millions of students each year receive their own pocket Constitution—complete with the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and all 27 Amendments, and the Oath of Citizenship—so that maybe, just maybe, the next generation will know the difference between a King and a President. (Hint: One wears a crown. The other gets roasted on social media every day.)

So here’s to the 250th birthday of the Army, our fearless defenders of liberty...To Flag Day, the birthday of our national symbol...Happy Birthday Mr. President and to every confused protester who accidentally reminded us what makes this nation great.

Long live irony. And long live the Republic.

#NoKingsJustClueless #250YearsArmyStrong #HappyFlagDay#Civics101 #ConstitutionalIrony #NoKingsJustCLueless #WeFoughtAKing #ReadTheConstitution #HistoryFaceplant#WeTheUninformed#ProtestBackfire #SatireWritesItself